Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
His words were too little and too late. I headed to the front door without saying goodbye to anyone or checking with his mom about the gift for our family. My courage was on its last breath, and I needed to get out of there.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
GEORGE MICHAEL, “ONE MORE TRY”
Gabby
Matt and his parents went back to Asheville the following day, and Sarah and Isaac went home too. I spent the rest of my break acting like everything was fine, putting together puzzles with my mom and playing Scrabble with my dad. Every few days, I took a drive to make my parents think I was visiting my best friend Ben.
I wasn’t a fan of school and homework, but I couldn’t wait to go back to Michigan. When I got there, Olivia was gone, and I had the dorm room to myself. Just me, my thoughts, blank journal pages, and a large supply of tissues.
The first of February, I wrote Ben a letter. In hindsight, I should have left my thoughts as a journal entry, but something inside of me needed to send those specific words to Ben, even if he never read them. He was going through the stages of grief after losing his hearing. I was going through the stages from losing him.
Dear Ben,
How’s your room? Are you making fun Lego creations? I heard a song the other day and thought of you. I’d tell you the name of it, but what does it matter? You can’t hear. That’s your new job, right? Being deaf? Does that pay well? Or do you have a part-time job working for Hallmark? You really should since you have such a way with words. You could write breakup cards.
Did I tell you that Olivia moved out? I have the dorm room all to myself, so when I want to have sex with Matt, no one interrupts us. Speaking of sex, I’ve taken two pregnancy tests and they were negative. I bet that makes you happy.
I hope you’re doing well. Say hi to Tillie and your parents.
Regards,
Gabby
I reread it at least ten times, and all ten times I contemplated wadding up the paper and tossing it into the trash. It was a cruel and hurtful letter that I would undoubtedly regret later. But he was cruel and hurtful. Did he take even two seconds to think before he said mean things to me? No. So I sealed the letter in an envelope, stamped it, and carried it to the nearest mailbox. After all, he wasn’t going to read it.
When the letter dropped into the metal mail bin and there was no taking it back, I blew out a long breath that plumed in the cold air and smiled. It felt good to get that off my chest. Is that how he felt? Did saying mean things to me feel good?
I continued to write him letters with no response from him. And when I talked to my parents on Saturday mornings, they made no mention of the letters, so I assumed he either didn’t read them, or if he did, he didn’t share them with his mom.
Dear Ben,
What’s the newest Lego design? Maybe you should build yourself a girlfriend since no woman will ever want to be with you because you’re just mean. I thought by now I’d be better, less angry, but I’m not.
I saw a blind student on campus the other day, and I stopped them to ask why they were there. After all, they can’t see. I told them they should go home and give up on their life. You would have been so proud of me. I mean, how dare they think they can pursue a college degree when they can’t see. How dare they feel deserving of happiness. How dare they seek any sort of purpose in life. Right?
Did I mention I walked in on Sarah and Isaac having sex early Christmas morning? He was giving her oral sex. She really seemed to enjoy it, so that’s what Matt does to me now and it’s AMAZING!
I bet you’re glad you had so much sex before you got meningitis because you’ll probably never have it again. Who wants to have sex with a deaf person?
I hope your family is doing well. Say hi to Tillie and your parents.
Regards,
Gabby
Did it occur to me that I might go to Hell for writing such awful things even if they were written in jest? Yes. But it felt so good to jab him back. I really hoped he was reading them, even if he didn’t indulge me with a reply. I thought if he could see how ridiculous he was being, he might reengage in his life again. But mainly, I was desperate—desperately missing my friend.
Dear Ben,
Did you have a good Valentine’s Day?
Matt got me two dozen roses and he sprinkled the petals from another dozen all over my bed and we made love all night on the petals.