Total pages in book: 53
Estimated words: 52357 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 262(@200wpm)___ 209(@250wpm)___ 175(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 52357 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 262(@200wpm)___ 209(@250wpm)___ 175(@300wpm)
The freshly covered mound shows me exactly where I need to be. I walk to it where I see a small temporary marker.
Benjamin Henderson
“Loved deeply. Missed eternally.”
It’s all too raw. Too new. Too wrong.
I kneel, placing the flowers down delicately before I sit beside the dirt. Will he hear me? What’s it like for him, the afterlife? Does he know how much I ache for him? Does he know how much I love him?
“Hey,” I whisper, lifting some of the dirt into my hand. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Skye settles lying beside me staring at his name. Closing my eyes I embrace the breeze like a hug from Heaven.
I let my mind go back.
“You want me to what?” he asks and I laugh.
Straddling the Harley-Davidson Sportster my boots are planted on the ground comfortably while Benji looks like he wants to run.
“You said you wanted to understand my life, my family. Well, welcome to your first experience.”
He stands in his driveway, eyes wide behind his glasses, hands on his hips instead of grabbing the helmet I hold out for him.
It takes a moment of hesitation before he puts it on. That’s when I shift back making room for him in front of me.
“I’m gonna kill myself and possibly you too, Dia. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“I trust you, baby. You’ll be fine. I’ll be fine,” I say with a wink. “Besides this is basic. Get your balance, feel the bike. We aren’t leaving the neighborhood.
He studies the bike cautiously. “Why do you think this is remotely a good idea?”
“You said you wanted to get it. Why my dad and brother love their bikes, why there is a passion in all of us when we talk about a ride. This is your chance to experience it.”
“Words can explain it.”
I laugh, “no they can’t. You have to feel it! And I see the way you look at the bikes. Like they scare you, yes, but they excite you at the same time.”
He smirks at me, “baby, you’re what excites me. The bike is just an accessory.”
“Humor me. Get on.”
He swings his leg over awkwardly as I put my hands on his sides loving the way he feels in front of me.
“Okay,” I take his hands and put them on the handle bars. “The right is your throttle. It’s the go button. The lever you pull is the brake. You gotta make sure you can stop after the go.” I tap the gear shift with my left leg, “your clutch is the left hand with the shift lever to move gears happening with the left foot.”
He holds up his hand. “Hold on.” He pauses, “you’re telling me, I have to use my hands and my feet? Simultaneously?”
“God help us both,” I mutter with a laugh. “Yeah, like driving a car. Use your feet, your hands, your eyes, your ears, and your common sense.”
“Have you met me? Common sense isn’t always my thing, babe.” We both laugh.
“I believe in you, Benji. This is gonna be fun. Just relax into it and listen.”
“Good thing I’m a fast learner,” he jokes with a proud smile.
He wasn’t a fast learner, but he was determined. It took two months before we could leave the housing development without him stalling. I remember every wobble, every curse, and every time he looked at me and asked, “why do you do this and call it fun?”
I sit up, staring at the pile of dirt. “I miss you.”
Skye whines.
“I don’t know how to breathe knowing you aren’t coming back.” I admit. “You put in the effort. If it mattered to me, it mattered to you. How am I supposed to go on without you?”
There is no reply.
“I don’t know how to forgive the world for this.” The wind blows again. I can almost pretend it’s his hand brushing through my hair. “I’m angry. I’m scared, Benji. Sometimes I think I hear your voice.” A tear falls down my face, but I don’t care. “Then I worry I will forget. I will forget what it sounds like to hear you say my name. I worry I’m going to forget what your hand on my thigh feels like. I don’t want to forget a single second, but I can’t stop the memories from fading. It shouldn’t be this way.”
The ache in my chest is sharp, sudden. I drop my head and let all the tears fall. I sit in silence. A bird chirps from a tree not too far away. The wind settles. Everything feels still.
In the stillness, I finally share the thing that scares me the most.
“I don’t want to move on. I don’t want the days to keep passing,” I whisper. “Because moving on even for a moment means leaving you behind.”
After a moment, I cry out. “I didn’t ask for this!”