Total pages in book: 76
Estimated words: 73012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 365(@200wpm)___ 292(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 365(@200wpm)___ 292(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
I think back to that night, how it was the first time he offered to pick me up, opened doors for me, joked about scoring points, paid. Each time we hung out, we took turns paying, fell asleep together, flirted—oh God, the flirting. I thought he was just being fun, but now that I’m putting all the pieces together, I’m realizing how much of an idiot I am. “Holy fuck. We’re dating.”
He gives a soft chuckle. “Not if you didn’t even know it. Consent is kinda important to me.” He says that lightly, but I know he’s serious.
I should probably say something meaningful, something a mature adult should say, but what comes out is, “Why didn’t you try to have sex with me?” If he thought we were dating, wouldn’t that be a part of it?
“Do you want to have sex with me?”
“Who wouldn’t want to have sex with you!”
Kason rubs a hand over his face. “I don’t get you. Now we’re talking about hooking up. Can you see my confusion?”
I can’t say he’s wrong. None of this is making sense to me, though. I take a drink of the bourbon from the bottle, then walk into the living room and plop down on the couch, pulling my legs close to my chest.
“I don’t get why you didn’t kiss me—a real kiss. Or, again, why you didn’t try to have sex with me if you thought this is more than friendship.”
He sighs like I’m missing something, then walks over and joins me. “I want to hook up with you. Believe me. I want it more and more each time I’m with you, but it’s not the only thing I want, and it’s not the most important thing either. I like you. I’m not one who has a lot of random hookups. In my mind, we were getting to know each other, and I was hopeful that other part was coming.”
I turn my head slightly, looking at him. “Real talk? I was hopeful that part was coming too.” I can try to deny it all I want, but I’m attracted to Kason, and I wanted him. I just didn’t think he wanted me sexually or…this other stuff he’s talking about.
“Even though you didn’t think we were dating?” He gives me a cheeky grin.
“Yes, Flirty Boy. You’re hot. I’m attracted to you. I think I covered that when I said who wouldn’t want to have sex with you. But being honest, I am the hooking-up type.”
“That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. What works for one person doesn’t work for another.”
Is there anyone in the world who is a kinder, better man than Kason?
“I don’t know how to date,” I confess. The one time I tried, it was all a total lie.
“You were doing a good job of it to me.”
“I didn’t even know I was doing it! I’m sure I’ll suck now.”
He quirks a brow at me.
“You know what I mean.” I rub a hand over my face, not wanting to admit this, but feeling like I owe it to Kason after everything. Even more than that, I feel like I can say it to him, and he won’t judge me for it. “The only relationship I’ve ever had is Malcolm. No one ever wanted more with me before him, but I guess he never really did either, I just thought so. You know it’s not easy for me to trust, Kason. The one time I did, look how it turned out.”
“I’m not him. I get what you’re feeling, but I’m not him.”
“I know! That’s the wildest part. There’s not an ounce of me that would ever think you’d do to me the things Malcolm did.”
He reaches over, runs his fingers through my hair, before cupping my cheek. “Then what is it? There has to be more.”
I turn away, words stuck in my throat, but damned if it doesn’t feel like they want to break free. Usually, they hide deep down inside me, but something about Kason pulls them to the surface.
“You can trust me, Anthony. I’m here if you want to talk, both as a friend and as someone you’re dating. But it’s okay if you’re not ready. And it’s okay if you don’t want to date me. We can just be friends.”
My heart picks up speed, doing a clumsy thud, thud, thud. How do I tell him there’s a part of me, one that’s growing by the second, that really does want to date him? That has probably wanted to date him since the first time he asked me out? But I’m scared if I do, it will hurt even more when I lose him.
And I will lose him…just like I lost Aliyah my senior year of high school when she moved away. I’ll lose Hayes and Donovan one day too. I lose everyone, and I don’t think that will ever change.