Total pages in book: 76
Estimated words: 73012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 365(@200wpm)___ 292(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 365(@200wpm)___ 292(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
I hate looking at him through a Malcolm lens, but I don’t know how to stop myself, or if I should. Kason isn’t Malcolm, but pain doesn’t magically go away because you meet a nice guy who’s also really hot. And while it’s not his fault and Kason didn’t do anything wrong, it doesn’t help that the day after my time spent at his house, photos of us kissing in his driveway found their way online. Were people camped out in the fucking mountains or what?
I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter, that there’s nothing I can do to change it, but I’m fully aware that when this ends, it’ll be public too, and I’m not sure how to handle that. With Malcolm it was embarrassment, more than anything. That should have told me that what we had wasn’t real. With Kason, there’s no doubt in my mind it’ll break my heart.
But just like everything else in my life, I’ll get through it. There’s no other option, unless I want to end this thing with Kason now, and I don’t. He makes me want things I never thought I would want again…or maybe that I’ve never even thought to want.
“I can’t believe you and Mads are boyfriends now,” Hayes says, watching me as I put on my favorite body oil before getting dressed. We’re at my place, heading to a Rebels game tonight. It’s their last one before their bye week, and though I’m nervous as shit about going, when Kason asked if I’d be there, I didn’t want to let him down. I don’t want to let me down either because I want to be there. Living in my head is a confusing place sometimes.
“It’s not a big deal.” I set the bottle on the counter, then grab my jeans and tug them on.
“Um…yes it is,” Donovan replies. I head out of the en suite and into my closet to pick a shirt, Donovan right behind me. “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay. Relationships are always scary, especially after going through something like we did, but Mads is different.”
“I know that. He’s the best guy I know, present company excluded.” I tug a Rebels jersey off the hanger—a Maddox jersey, to be exact.
“Oh,” Hayes says, stepping up beside Dono.
“I had this before we started hooking up.”
“Being boyfriends,” Hayes corrects.
“Potato tomato,” I tease, and Hayes frowns.
“That’s not how the saying goes.”
“I know. What’s important is that I already had a Kason Maddox jersey. I didn’t buy it because we’re dating. But I figure I should wear it, right? You wear Rylan’s.” As if my relationship with Kason is the same as his with Rylan. But a guy can dream.
“You know what Rylan likes to do? Fuck me when I’m wearing it. It’s really hot. You should try it.”
A laugh jumps out of my mouth, and not for the first time, I’m so thankful for the two men in the room with me right now. “Hayes, you are an absolute joy. Please don’t ever change.”
The three of us chuckle as I tease putting the jersey back on the hanger. I probably shouldn’t wear it. That’s too much, trying too hard. I’ll draw attention, and while in some ways, like when I’m dancing, I like being the center of attention, I don’t when it comes to my relationship.
Donovan interrupts my thoughts. “Yes. That. But also, I just want to say, you know you can always come to us, right? About what you’re feeling or what you’ve been through. You’ve always been there for us. I want to make sure you know we’re here for you too.”
I do know that, and I hate that Donovan has to question whether I do. Dealing with past trauma fucking sucks. “I know. I’m working on it. I promise. I just…I lose everyone,” I admit.
“Not us,” Donovan replies, and I can see the sadness in his eyes.
“Or Mads,” Hayes adds. “Rylan says he’s obsessed with you and never stops talking about you.”
Well, that makes me grin. It’s nice to hear. “Oh God. I’m obsessed with him too. I’ve never been obsessed with someone before, and it’s the worst thing ever…” Only it’s not. I cover my face and scream into it.
Hayes and Donovan step into the closet with me, wrapping their arms around me.
“It’s scary to let people in, but you’re doing it. With us and with Mads…and though it feels like the worst thing ever, it never actually is.” Donovan rubs my back.
“No, it’s not.”
“I get it. I never thought things could work with Rylan either,” Hayes soothes. “How could someone like him be into someone like me?”
“I felt the same about Eric, and he’s been my best friend my whole life. Malcolm really did a number on us, didn’t he?”
Yes, he did, but we all know that’s not the only thing going on here. “Yes, but he also targeted us because of our low self-esteem and being loners in some way or another.” And those aren’t bad things for us to have felt or still feel. They’re normal human emotions. What matters is how we deal with it, how we live with it. “I don’t want to ruin things with Kason in some bullshit self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m gonna wear the jersey.”