Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
“I talked a good game. Made myself believe I didn’t give a shit, that I didn’t need anyone…but I do. I think we all need someone and I found him. I found him in Gary whether you both like it or not, because for the first time in my life…I felt like me. I felt whole, when I hadn’t realized there was a part of me that was missing.”
I push to my feet. “And I realize for the first time…that there really isn’t anything wrong with who I am. The words I used to shove at everyone—that I didn’t care what you thought and that if you couldn’t accept me, it was your problem and not mine—I believe them now. They’re not just words, and that’s what I came here to tell you. That I’m in love. That I’m happy. That I have a career I love and that I’m good at what I do. That I’m a damn good man and…and if you can’t see that, then it really is your problem and not mine. I’m not going to keep trying to make you love me. I’m not going to stay away from events in Martin and Malcolm’s lives. I’m not going to sneak flowers on your porch on your birthday. I can’t help that I’m not Dad’s…I know you both wish I was.”
Dad looks down.
Mom covers her mouth with a shaky hand.
But neither of them speak.
“I was so scared of getting hurt, I pushed Gary away. I walked away from him and told myself it was him walking away from me. I’m going to fight to get him back. You were always a fighter, Mom. I think I got that from you.”
I walk to the door to the study, silently wishing one of them would speak.…But they won’t…and I know it. I have to be okay with it because that’s on them, not me. “You’d like him, Ma. He digs musicals. He doesn’t like attention on himself. He loves big. You both know where to find me if you need me.”
And then I walk out, feeling lighter than I have in years. Like I can breathe, when I didn’t know I’d been quietly and slowly suffocating for years.
Just one more thing to do. It’s time to go get my man back.
37
Gary
As I get out of the elevator on my floor, good as I feel about confronting my parents tonight, I’m sad that I don’t get to share this with Travis. Maybe I can wake Jacob up, and we can have a few drinks while I tell him about my new family drama.
I’ve already made up my mind to call Travis tomorrow. Maybe he’ll have calmed down, and we can actually have a discussion about what happened the other night. Although I just keep thinking about how mad he was…how hurt. I pull out my phone as I consider texting. I’ve been considering it ever since I left my parents’ place. Yeah, it’s scary to open my heart again—to know Travis could hurt me, but I’d rather that than spend the rest of my life like I did with my parents, living in fear.
I don’t want to live my life like that. Not anymore.
As I round the corner into the hallway, I see Travis sitting outside my door. With his arms around his legs and his head tucked low, he looks like he’s lost in thought.
“Trav?” I ask.
Shit. I shouldn’t have said his fucking nickname.
He turns to me and pushes to his feet.
“Gary.”
We stand there for a moment, looking at each other awkwardly.
“Is Jacob not home?” I ask.
“He is. I was in there for a bit talking to him and then I left because I was going to go back home and think about how to do this, but then I changed my mind and just started pacing out here to think…and then, well, I decided to sit down and think some more.”
“You’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” I tease.
He chuckles. It feels nice. Breaks the horrible tension that still lingers between us.
“I came out to my parents tonight,” I say.
“Really?” His eyes light up, then dull just as quickly, as though he’s realized he can’t really share this moment with me considering all that’s happened between us.
I must be on a confident streak because I just go for it. “That wasn’t very fair to me. Peter shoved that in my face, and it wasn’t wrong for me to ask you if anything happened.”
I notice it’s one of the few times my gut instinct hasn’t been to blame myself for an issue between us.
“I know.”
He’s not fighting?
“And after what Peter did to you,” Travis says, “I know that played off all your fears and insecurities. I was just so thrown that you could think I would do something to hurt you. And it hurt me. It felt like you were accusing me and not even giving me a chance. Like how the fuck am I supposed to prove that I didn’t do anything with that guy…or any guy who might say something about us messing around?”