Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 69468 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 347(@200wpm)___ 278(@250wpm)___ 232(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 69468 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 347(@200wpm)___ 278(@250wpm)___ 232(@300wpm)
“I’m happy for you.” I licked my lips, my own feelings much more conflicted and harder to express.
“Did it for me.” Carson’s expression darkened before he bent to retrieve a floppy dog chew. “Wasn’t fair to put it on you.”
I made a pained noise. “I didn’t want to be the thing that pushed you.”
“Needed it to be for me.” He threw the chew for Lucky before continuing, “Always played it safe. Waited for others to move first.”
“I’ve been there. It’s not easy to go after what you want.” I gestured vaguely, encompassing all my dithering the last few days, all the hoping he’d contact me first, and all the fears holding me back.
“Yep.” Rising, Carson held my gaze, eyes steady and sure. “I want you.”
“Oh.” My eyes went so wide my forehead muscles strained. I’d known that, of course, but Carson stating it so matter-of-fact cut through all the junk in my brain.
“I want more than sex.” Carson continued right on being direct. He stepped closer so our chests brushed, face well within kissing distance.
“I do too.” I wanted to kiss him in the worst way, but he deserved more of an apology first. “I was too chicken to admit that the other day.”
“Thought you…deal with horses, not chickens.” Carson gave a dry laugh, his hesitation between words making his joke that much funnier.
“Point taken.” I laughed along with him before sobering. “I’m scared.”
“Of me?” Carson sucked his cheek in as his eyes narrowed. “I’m all-in.”
“Not of you. Of me. People I care about have a way of leaving.” There. I’d hit the heart of the matter. When I opened my heart, bad things happened. However, in building up my defenses against hurt, I’d lost the chance for a real connection. And for the first time in years, I wanted that. “I’m scared of ruining our friendship. Of not knowing how to have a real relationship. Of my job driving us apart.”
Carson made a dismissive noise. “Not scared of your job.”
“It’s not the job as much as worrying that my crazy hours will eventually be a wedge between us. That I’m not enough to keep you.”
“That’s my line.” Carson looked down at his boots. “Always gonna have TBI.”
“It’s a part of you,” I said readily. I’d never considered that as a reason not to try for more. “Doesn’t change how I feel.”
“Same about your job.” Carson lifted his gaze.
“Oh. Maybe I truly am an idiot,” I admitted. We both brought baggage, and if Carson didn’t care, why should I?
“Maybe.” Carson chuckled good-naturedly. “You were gonna come to me?”
“Yeah. I missed you.” I shuffled my feet from side to side. “More of being an idiot. Couldn’t figure out what to text.”
“Could’ve started with missing me,” Carson stated simply.
“Damn logic.” I released a week’s worth of breath. “I miss you. My life is better with you in it. I don’t want to ruin this thing before we even get started.”
“You won’t.” He leaned in for that kiss I’d craved for what felt like centuries. His mouth was soft and inviting, lips parting on a moan as our mouths met.
The hunger that always flared between us was stronger than ever. I was famished for more of Carson, and I was done with thinking. I told my anxious brain to take a hike. Carson was a lot more certain than I was, but I was also done fighting this. We’d muddle through together, doubts and all. Right now, all I wanted was a bed.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Carson
Jude and I were about to burn his kitchen down, and I couldn’t care less. I’d waited days for this kiss, and hell if I was going to stop now. We likely had more talking to do, but it could wait.
The whole drive to Jude’s, I’d anticipated this moment when we got past the awkwardness and got back to the kissing. I hadn’t been willing to consider any other alternative. I was ready to fight for him and for us. I’d finally figured out what I wanted from this new life of mine. Jude was at the top of my list, and I’d arrived with the same sort of determination I’d used on countless missions.
Mission achieved, at least for the moment, because Jude was kissing me like he hadn’t eaten in a week. I reached for the hem of his black T-shirt.
“Couch or bed?” I asked, not particularly caring about which he picked as long as I got him naked soon.
“Bed.” Jude tugged me toward the stairs before stopping with his foot on the first step to turn back toward me. “Wait. Can you stay?”
“A bit. Not overnight.” Having Jude as my singular goal had made putting up with Colt’s concern over me driving easier. After getting the green light from my doctor to try driving again, Colt had let me practice some in the parking lot before he drove us home. I’d insisted on trying again after dinner and this morning. I’d felt sixteen again, determined to get my big brother to let me borrow the truck without tagging along. Finally, Maverick, my new favorite person, had told Colt to let me have the truck for the evening.