Total pages in book: 114
Estimated words: 105756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 529(@200wpm)___ 423(@250wpm)___ 353(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 105756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 529(@200wpm)___ 423(@250wpm)___ 353(@300wpm)
I smiled faintly, remembering how Leonora liked to write down her appointments and social engagements so she knew where she had to be on any given day. She’d been retired but lived a very full and active life. Something about Jonathan latching onto the diary had my heart clenching. He had so little of her that even reading her appointments meant so much. “And has it helped?”
He nodded. “I’ve been living her routine this past week, just going to all the places she liked to go. Eating in the café she frequented, shopping at the same supermarket, taking walks along the beach. It probably sounds ridiculous, but I just …” He shook his head at himself.
“It’s not ridiculous. We all grieve in our own way.”
“This house,” he said, eyes going about the room. “I have a love-hate relationship with it. This is where all my best and worst memories occurred. This kitchen is where I gave Mam one of my first report cards, and she smiled so proudly when she read my teacher’s comments about my talent for numbers, how I might be a prodigy. We shared all our meals here, laughed and talked about our days, mine at school and hers at the office.” He fell silent, his mood darkening. “But it’s also where one of her boyfriends slammed my head into the wall for talking back to him.” He gestured to the wall at his left. “It’s where I caught another boyfriend rifling through her handbag to steal her credit card. That was the same arsehole who’d tried blaming the theft on me. She always fucking …” he trailed off, and I saw his throat bob as he swallowed.
“She always believed them over me first. She wanted to be in love so badly that she wilfully overlooked a million red flags. Then, inevitably, they’d fuck up so much that I’d be proven right, and she’d finally believe me, admit she was wrong and beg for forgiveness. She invited an endless cycle of fuck ups, thieves and manipulators into our lives. That’s why I cut her out when your dad came along. I truly believed she was going to put us through the same cycle all over again, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay and watch her get hurt, which in turn would hurt me. So, I gave her the ultimatum that she could either have your father in her life or me. She refused to make the choice, but in the end, that was a choice in itself. So, I cut off all contact. I hardened my heart to stone.” His eyes flicked up. “When I found out I had a half sister in Maggie, it softened me some, but I don’t think my heart truly opened up again until you walked into my life, Ada.”
“Then why have you been avoiding me ever since we got back from Cork?”
He blinked. “Avoiding you?”
“Yes, I’ve been waiting for you to finally call or text and say you wanted to see me, but you never did. It’s why I’m here. I just don’t want to drag this out any more than necessary. If you don’t want to be with me anymore, then—”
“What?” his voice was low, full of gravel.
I blinked. “That’s what this is, right? A ghosting of sorts.”
“Ada.” In a blink, he traversed the room until he was kneeling before me, taking my hands into his. “I am not ghosting you.”
My lip quivered, and I willed it to still. “But you haven’t asked to see me. You’ve barely been in touch, and look, if you feel bad about ending things, you don’t need to. I’d rather not prolong it, and if you’re trying to save my feelings—” I became aware of Jonathan shaking his head. “What?”
“Have you any idea how much I adore you?” he murmured, gaze soft, and my heart stuttered. “You’re the only good thing in my life.”
“But that doesn’t make sense. You’ve been so distant.”
Jonathan exhaled a heavy breath, his thumbs tracing circles on my wrists. “Fuck, Ada, I’m sorry. I’ve been so deep in my own shit I’ve barely considered what you might be thinking. I’ve stayed away because I’ve been trying to get my feelings under control. When you told me about your accident and how your father caused it … Christ, I’ve never felt such anger. Maddening anger that had nowhere to go because it was levelled at a dead man.”
“Jonathan,” I breathed, heart hammering. “I didn’t tell you about the accident so you’d be angry at my father. I told you because I wanted to be open with you. I wanted you to understand everything about me and why I am how I am.”
His hand came up to cup my cheek. “And I do. I understand you entirely, Ada Rose.” He inhaled sharply. “But to be honest, I’ve not felt worthy of you. I suffered because of my mother’s choice in partners, but it was nothing compared to what had happened to you. The fact that you found the capacity to forgive when I couldn’t, I felt inferior.”