Total pages in book: 58
Estimated words: 57139 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 57139 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
By the time the bill came, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or kill him.
CHAPTER
TWELVE
EZRA AKA VEX AKA HERO AND VILLAIN AKA—IT’S BEEN A LONG ASS NIGHT AND IT’S ONLY JUST BEGUN.
…I know this may be weird but like, you were always brutally honest with me. Is it my personality or my feet? Someone needs to normalize fungus!
–Phred no F
“So upload it,” I challenged.
Harper’s glare could have blistered paint. “Fine. I will. I’ll upload that perfect date with the tits, the dress, the Lila—”
I cleared my throat. “She’s a human.”
She ignored me. “—and the stupid small talk about favorite pets, and fan clubs, and dying in the rain—”
I opened my mouth, but she cut me off with a raised hand. “Sorry, yes, and in the snow once, which we’ll count because, oh my god, how romantic was it cuddling your co-star in that fake blizzard, sharing body heat?”
I sighed. “You’re yelling again.”
Her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. “You showed up as the fake actor and now we have to carry it out like we’re really dating if they pick you—which they will—because out of all the guys, you could have shown up wearing nothing but a sandwich board that said End of World Imminent and they’d still have been like, ‘Oh, how sweet, he can spell!’”
I burst out laughing. “Please. It’s not that bad.”
She stormed toward me and jabbed a finger into my chest, upload clearly forgotten. “The waitress cried when you handed her your credit card because she thought it was a business card with your number, and when you said I’d stolen your heart, she told me she’d rather die alone than marry someone who didn’t look at her the way you look at me.”
I licked my lips. “So… do I?”
She frowned. “Do you what?”
“Look at you that way.” I caught her hand lightly, holding it there.
Her breath hitched. “You’re doing it now—but on purpose. With your… trickery hat full of tricks.”
I tugged her closer. “How hard could it be?”
She made a noise deep in her throat. “Please don’t ask me questions of a sexual nature because my thoughts are not holy, Ezra. Vex has me confused.”
“I’m Vex.” My voice dipped low. “Should I have asked if you wanted to offer me a nightcap before letting myself in?”
She stepped back, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Do you want a nightcap, Ezra?”
I dropped onto her couch, thoroughly enjoying the way she was flustered and moving like a wind-up toy about to snap a spring. “Whiskey sounds nice. And if you’ve got ice… for my tits, that’d be cool too.”
A pillow came flying at my face. I caught it mid-air and tossed it aside.
“Okay, I’m done,” I said. “Do your upload. Let them vote. You keep the apartment. Thank you, Ezra, for sweeping in with your spreadsheets and enormous brain.” I smirked.
Stomping ensued. The satisfying pop of a whiskey bottle opening.
Then—
“I hope you have a small dick. And if you don’t, I’m manifesting it right now!”
I shot to my feet. “Whoa, let’s not just throw things like that into the universe. What is wrong with you?”
She glared. “You. You are not allowed to be smart and attractive. There are rules, Ezra, and you’re breaking them. I’m allowed to be cute but neurotic, not necessarily hot but sometimes sexy. I cannot be all three. You? No. You can’t be the full package.”
I smirked. “That was four things.”
She waved me off and shoved the whiskey at me. “Take a swig so your brains are as fuzzy as mine.”
I took a long drink and passed it back. “Why am I needing to be fuzzy?”
She snapped her fingers at me. “Those jeans—do they snap or unbutton?”
I took a step back. “Should I be concerned about your mental state? And… they unbutton.”
She took another drink, slammed the bottle onto the table, and reached for my waistband. “I’m proving my theory right!”
“Harper! Stop! You’re acting crazy!”
Her fingers dipped into my briefs just as a knock sounded—followed immediately by the electronic chirp of someone punching in a code.
She didn’t even hear it, probably because she fell forward as she fought me to unbutton my pants.
Two things happened at once: I sprang free—nearly smacking her in the face with my not small dick—and her mom walked right through the front door.
“No!!!” Harper shouted, falling down and scrambling..
Her mom took one look at us, her eyes rolled back, and she started to fall.
I lunged forward just as Harper’s dad caught her, then looked up at the scene—me, pants halfway down my ass; Harper on her knees, crawling toward her mother.
I did the only thing my panic-stricken brain could come up with.
I yelled, “ONLY FANS!”
Her dad closed his eyes. And sneezed.
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
HARPER
I’ve learned a lot about myself these past few months and I just wanted to say I’ve finally come to terms with the truth, Harper, I think it was you, not me.