Total pages in book: 117
Estimated words: 114492 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 572(@200wpm)___ 458(@250wpm)___ 382(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 114492 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 572(@200wpm)___ 458(@250wpm)___ 382(@300wpm)
“How’d it go?”
“Good. They loved everything I came up with, except for my proposed slogan. (Damn it!) But I’m gonna work on it with this awesome girl from my office when I get back to the office. No worries.”
“Hey, I’ve got a great slogan you can use. My gift to you.”
“Awesome. I’ll take any help I can get. Hit me.”
“I’ve got your pulled pork right here, baby!”
“LOL. OMG. That’s actually kind of brillz. This chain is all about being brash and blue-collar and funny. They might actually like it.”
“Oh no. That wasn’t my slogan idea. That was just me trying to sweet talk you, PG. The slogan idea is this: ‘Hey, if you like barbeque, then we’d appreciate it if you’d eat at our restaurant. Thank you.’ What do you think? Pure genius, right?”
“OMG. I’m literally laughing out loud right now in my boss’ car. You’re a PR whiz, PB.”
“I’ve got all kinds of mad skillz, PG. I’m a wise and powerful man; you should know that up front.”
“And a total douche—oh, wait, except that you’re not now. Scratch that.” She attaches a winking emoji.
“Exactly. You only live once, right? Best not to waste valuable time being a total douche.”
“Hey! I say that ALL THE TIME,” she writes.
“You say ‘best not to waste valuable time being a total douche’ all the time?”
“Haha. No. I say, ‘You only live once.’”
“So do I. YOLO. It’s kind of my thing.”
“Oh, God, no! Not YOLO. Don’t say YOLO! Oh, the humanity!”
“Douchey?”
“Yes. Don’t do it!
“What about ‘go big or go home.’ Can I say that? Because I say that all the time, too,” I write.
“Yes. And you may also say, ‘I can sleep when I’m dead.’ Those are fine. Just not YOLO,” she writes.
“What about ‘Work hard, play hard’? I say that one all the time, too.”
“You like spiffy little catchphrases, huh?”
“Hey, at least I’m not running around quoting Plato all the time.”
“What’s wrong with Plato?” she writes.
“Hang around my crazy-ass brother for a day and you’ll see.”
“LOL. Okay.”
“Oh, I just thought of another one I say all the time. ‘Under-promise and over-perform.’”
“Oh, words to live by,” she writes.
“I do. Religiously.”
“Interesting.”
“So is that it?” I write. “I can say all that stuff, just not YOLO?”
“Correct. Just not YOLO. EVER. Though you CAN say the actual words ‘you only live once.’ Just not ‘YOLO.’”
“So many fucking rules. Jesus.”
“Dude, I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them.”
I laugh out loud.
“And for God’s sake don’t get a YOLO tattoo!” she writes. “Promise me!”
I burst out laughing. “I make no such promise.”
“Don’t do it!”
“How about a YOLO tattoo on my ass? Can I do that?”
“LOL! The absolute worst possible scenario! DO NOT DO IT! TOTALLY AGAINST THE RULES!!!!”
I can’t stop laughing. “There’s something you really should know about me, PG: I like breaking rules.”
“Do what you must, but you’ve been warned. A YOLO tattoo is social suicide.”
I laugh again. “Okay. Good to know. So what other really uncool things should I avoid like the plague besides a YOLO tattoo on my ass? Help an old man out.”
“How old are you?”
“Thirty,” I write.
“Holy shitballs! Where’s your walker?”
“How old are you?”
“Twenty-four.”
“Aw, just a kitten.”
“Meow.”
“This is good. I need help from a whippersnapper like yourself to keep me in the cool. What else should I absolutely avoid, according to these rules of yours?
“Not MY rules. They’re just THE rules.”
“Okay. What else is against THE rules?”
“A barbed-wire tattoo around your bicep fo shizzles. Don’t do it.”
I laugh to myself. I couldn’t agree more with that one. “Okay,” I write. “I promise I won’t get that no matter how drunk I am.”
“And don’t get a tribal band around your bicep, either, unless you’re from the Islands. Are you an Islander, Josh?”
“Nope. Duly noted.”
“Or dragon. Cliché.”
I laugh. “Really?”
“Yup. And God help you if you get a girlfriend’s name tattooed onto your arm. Just ask Johnny Depp. He had to get ‘Winona Forever’ lasered to ‘Wino Forever.’ Lasers are painful, Josh. Not good. Don’t do it.”
“Yeah, I could see how that could be a bit of an oops.”
“A little gold hoop in your left ear. Don’t do it.”
“Jesus. The Rules are as long as my fucking arm. Anything else?”
“Nope. Avoid all that redonkulousness and you’ll be super cool.”
“So you’re allowed to use the word redonkulousness and I can’t say YOLO?”
“Correct. Again, let me repeat. I do not make THE rules. I merely enforce them.”
I laugh out loud again.
“Whoa, did you see that?” Jonas says, swatting my knee.
I look up and catch the instant replay of a smooth-as-silk pass and dunk on TV.
“Sweet,” I say. But I don’t care about the game right now. I’m having too much fun playing with a certain little kitten. I look back at my phone.
“Hey, my boss is about to get off her phone call, so I better go,” she writes.