Total pages in book: 401
Estimated words: 390373 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1952(@200wpm)___ 1561(@250wpm)___ 1301(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 390373 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1952(@200wpm)___ 1561(@250wpm)___ 1301(@300wpm)
It went in a totally different direction as it dropped to my toes. And when it did, it woke up the other part of my brain—the bit that couldn’t believe someone like him wanted someone like me. Except it wasn’t the old insecurities about my scars or how I didn’t have the willowy beauty coveted by the Ascended. I knew he wanted me. I had just felt how much.
This was a newer, deeper fear. And it didn’t matter that I knew I was being a little ridiculous—it was fueled by not wanting to think about all that stuff.
I cleared my throat. “We should head back.”
“Not until we talk,” he countered.
Irritation joined the frustration, rising sharply as I opened my eyes. “You want to talk?” I faced him. “How about we talk about what’s up with you and Kieran?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s not important right now.”
“So there is something.”
“For fuck’s sake, Poppy.” Frustration flared through him. “That’s not what I said.”
“Fine,” I bit out.
A moment passed. “Why don’t you trust me with how you’re feeling?”
I stared at him for a moment, thinking I hadn’t heard him right. But I had. “What do you mean? Not wanting to talk about all that shit has nothing to do with you.”
His jaw flexed. “It sure seemed like it did a few minutes ago.”
Inhaling sharply, I smoothed my hands down my sides. He was right. It did have something to do with him. “Let me rephrase. It has nothing to do with me trusting you.”
Casteel said nothing for a long moment, then cursed. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, you probably shouldn’t have,” I agreed. “We need to return. There are too many important things we need to be doing.”
He lifted his gaze to mine. “Nothing is more important than what we’re doing—or attempting to do—right now.”
My hands fell away from my sides and fisted. “You do realize I can just return without you, right?”
“You would never.”
“Wanna bet?”
“Yes.”
My gaze fixed on his knowing half-smile, and like with Lirian and many other times, I sort of lost my temper. “Fine, Casteel. A lot has been thrown at me.” Eather flared inside me, hot and ready. “I don’t even remember seeing my father, but sure, let’s chat. Do you want to start with what I unfortunately do remember? Like killing my mother?”
The smirk disappeared.
“And yeah, I am fine with that. It’s true.” I stepped forward. “She needed to die. But I can still hear her bones cracking—bones I cracked. Or should we talk about how it feels that I did who knows what while under Kolis’s influence?”
“You didn’t do anything, Poppy.”
“Sure.” I smiled, and it felt sharp. “Or we could talk about how anytime I think of the Continents, all I hear is the sound of thousands of people screaming in pain and fear? Or what it was like not to be able to do anything to help them?” My chest hummed. “Or how about that I see those little girls clutching dinner knives in their hands when I close my eyes? Or Tawny’s face?” I should have asked Seraphena about thanions. Damn it. “And think about how I ruined her.”
He leaned forward. “You didn’t—”
“No.” I swiped my hand through the air. “You wanted to talk about how I feel. That’s how I feel. You don’t get to say I don’t.”
Casteel shut up real quick.
I should’ve followed suit, but I didn’t. “We could talk about the shock of seeing my grandmother for the first time. Or what it’s like to know that my own flesh and blood was responsible for the state Jadis was in. It feels like shit, in case you were wondering.”
He inhaled sharply.
“But I’m guessing what you really want to talk about is Sotoria,” I said, my voice hitching on the name. “Well, you know what I want to talk about? What has your head messed up? Is it how I’m no longer just Poppy?”
“What?” Casteel jerked back.
“Is that what’s messing up your head?” I demanded. “I mean, you just found out your wife has apparently lived dozens of lives and has a psychotic true Primal of Death obsessed with her. That has to be it.”
Casteel stood. “It’s not.”
I laughed, but it sounded scratchy. “Really?”
“Okay, it is.”
Drawing in a stinging breath, I crossed my arms as a sharp ache blossomed deep within my chest. My clothing felt too tight, my skin sticky.
“But not how you must be thinking,” he said, stepping forward.
“And how am I thinking about it? Seriously.” I turned sideways. It was a genuine question because I had no idea what I was thinking.
“I’m thinking it’s all kind of insane.” He took another step forward. “It doesn’t sound real.”
A low laugh escaped me. “Well, we can agree on that.”
“But it is real,” he said. “And none of that changes that you’re still Poppy to me.”