Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 84607 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 423(@200wpm)___ 338(@250wpm)___ 282(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84607 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 423(@200wpm)___ 338(@250wpm)___ 282(@300wpm)
“I shouldn’t have sprung that on you like this,” I heard him say. “I’m sorry.”
I tried to swallow, and I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
We were almost there. Few more steps. Echoes from farther above from other employees.
“Lemme give you a head start on a class that starts in a couple of months,” Beckett told me. “Address a paper cut before it turns into an infected wound. You’re not fine, Leighton—and you trying to convince me that you are makes you unreliable in the field. Come on—in through your nose.” He stopped me in front of the door to our floor, and he grasped me by my shoulders. “I’m canceling the rest of your day. We’re gonna have a little one-on-one, you and I.”
Was that a promise or a threat? They were good at blurring those lines at Hillcroft.
“Hey, look at me, recruit.”
I snapped my gaze to his, and I got confused. I’d thought I was already looking at him, but clearly not, and this wasn’t much of an improvement. My focus was off, and I was looking without seeing.
Concentrate.
I sucked another breath in through my mouth, unable to use my nose. My breathing was too labored—and shallow. At the same time, something fucking broke inside me because I couldn’t even shatter properly. Even with panic tinting my senses, a part of me was devoid of emotion. I stood there stoically and stared unseeingly at Beckett, whose face was more expressive than anything I felt on the inside. His blue-green eyes flashed with concern, and he had that furrow between his brows. He was trying to figure me out as usual. Like he did with all recruits—but I guessed I was more difficult on account of my being a fucking zombie.
The next breath came a little easier.
“You have a choice,” he said quietly. “Either you tell me everything right now, or we go to Doc’s office. But you and I are still spending the day together both before and after a session with him.”
Fuck that, I wasn’t talking to Doc more than I had to. He was like…quiet and calm and a pro at waiting people out, but he also had this knack for making me talk without wanting it, not unlike Beckett. But at least with Beckett, he couldn’t diagnose me.
I feared there would come a day some professional labeled me a psychopath or something.
I swallowed hard and remembered something Beckett said earlier.
“I’m not unreliable,” I croaked.
He didn’t let go of my shoulder or change his stance. He was still hunching his posture to be face-to-face.
“Then you gotta open up,” he murmured. “Taking on too much or saying things are fine when they’re not don’t make you a hero. That’s not strength. It’s why I told you to come to me the moment things become too much with watching Alex.” He paused briefly. “It may seem like an insignificant thing, but everything that stresses you out needs to be addressed. If your plate is full, anything you add next is at risk of falling off. And in here, that might not be an issue—but out in the field? It could be a matter of life and death.”
Goddamn him, that couldn’t fucking compare.
“I don’t operate the same way in here as I would during an assignment,” I said.
“No, but you show people who you are, no matter the environment,” he replied. “If I give you ten assignments and it’s three too many, what do you think is best? That you perform all of them under duress and do a half-assed job, or that you come out and tell me you can only do seven of them—and you do them damn well. Which of these options would make a coworker relax and trust you? Rely on you?”
Fuck. I dropped my stare and swallowed again.
Screw him for making sense. That was the worst.
“I hear you,” I mumbled. I exhaled shakily and was finally able to inhale through my nose. My heart rate was returning to normal. “But for the record, I haven’t taken on too much.”
“That may be. I only brought this up because you said you were fine when you’re clearly a train wreck.”
I snapped my gaze up and narrowed my eyes, only to catch him smirking at me.
Bastard!
“Now, let’s go talk,” he said, opening the door. “Alex will lose track of time in Danny’s office, so we have a couple hours to start with.” He gestured for me to go first, and I crossed the hallway and walked into the library, presuming we were heading for the dorms. They were through this section.
“You really love your counseling and talking about feelings in this place,” I grumbled.
“We really love preventing long-term PTSD,” he corrected. “I’ll be the first to admit I hate sitting in Doc’s chair, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the purpose of it. This isn’t the military. We can’t afford our own VA services that cost money without offering actual aid, so we gotta nip that shit in the bud instead. Counseling is mandatory for every active operator, and the sessions are automatically increased before and after deployments, depending on the nature of the assignment.”