Total pages in book: 102
Estimated words: 98121 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98121 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Seth. After Cassian’s brother who passed away four years ago.
Jet tickles baby Seth’s chin and the baby squirms, then settles. I see the smear of dried blood on the cuff of his shirt and shift my gaze up to his to find his eyes already on me. He gives me a wink and tugs the sleeve of his jacket down.
“What do you ask of God’s church for Seth?” the priest continues and Allegra and Cassian answer, but I tune it out. I stare at the tiny, squirming bundle in my arms as the priest smears sacred oil on his forehead making the sign of the cross.
Little Seth opens his eyes as water is dribbled over his head. Hands ball into fists and he scrunches up his face, angry. He draws a deep breath in, the scream building. Just before it goes full blast, Allegra bends to whisper to him, soothing him in a way not dissimilar to how she soothes Cassian. She kisses his cheek. He quiets instantly settling into sleep again.
Like father like son.
I look up at them, Cassian wrapping his arm around Allegra, hand curling possessively over her hip. They both watch their first-born with a kind of awe that is breathtaking. But it’s when they look at each other that the feeling turns to an ache, to a longing inside me.
I’m happy for my sister. Well, she’s not my sister, not by blood, but she’s the closest thing to it and even after everything that’s happened, she treats me like I’m her sister. And I’m so happy for her having found Cassian. So, the part of me that feels that ache is not jealousy or envy. It’s want.
I want someone to look at me like that.
I want someone to hold me like Cassian holds Allegra. Like he’ll never let her go no matter what.
Like she’s his entire world.
But that’s not in the cards for me. How can it be, considering who I am. What blood flows in my veins. What violence was committed to bring me into this world.
I swallow down the shame that rises in my throat.
Allegra lays her hand over Cassian’s, and I see another expression of that violence. Another thing Malek did.
My damage is on the inside. Allegra’s is right there for everyone to see.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in forcing the thoughts down. Down. Down. But it’s only temporary.
Every time I look at her, I am reminded.
And sometimes, I see that I’m not the only one.
As if he heard my thoughts, as if he’s thinking exactly the same thing, when I open my eyes, I see Cassian’s are on me. Only after a moment does he turn back to the priest.
He knows it too. He knows I don’t deserve the place I have in his family. The one Allegra insists is mine.
Daniel, my little brother, squeezes between Jet and I and leans his head into my side. He’s bored. The service was long not to mention the late start to the baptism. Cassian wanted a full Mass. I don’t know why. He never goes to church. I didn’t think he believed in God. I mean, he lives in a church, as in he renovated an ancient church and made it into his home. So maybe it’s not that he doesn’t believe in God so much as he thinks he is God.
I swear Cassian’s gaze darkens when he looks at Daniel and I place a protective hand on my brother’s shoulder. Daniel is young now, but what happens when he gets older? Will Cassian see him as a threat? An enemy? I am a woman. In our world, I’m a pawn. Or maybe more of an obligation. His albatross. Daniel is a boy. He’s safe for now. But he will become a man. What happens to him then?
Jet clears his throat and rubs Daniel’s hair with that bruised hand. I wonder why he was late. What business was he taking care of before attending the baptism of his godson?
I look up at him, and my stomach does that thing it always does whether I’m thinking about him or he’s near. It’s an insane draw I’ve felt to the man ever since day one but alongside it there’s something else, something that’s built up over the last four years. Fear.
The man Jethro Blackstone has become scares me.
His forehead furrows as if he’s confused and I make myself turn my attention to the priest as he speaks the final blessing and declares Seth a son of God. Allegra takes her baby from me and I pull back, taking Daniel’s hand in mine to keep him close.
I look at them all, Cassian and Allegra cooing over their baby, Sybil looking sour, Severin dark, ever the enigma, the priest and the altar boys a little anxious. I get that last one. Soldiers dot the church. Jet crosses to whisper something to Cassian. When both sets of eyes land on me, I know they’re talking about me.