Total pages in book: 72
Estimated words: 70630 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 353(@200wpm)___ 283(@250wpm)___ 235(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 70630 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 353(@200wpm)___ 283(@250wpm)___ 235(@300wpm)
I opened the Cheez-Its and held them out. “I’m sorry.”
“That I’ve been sick?”
“No. That I lied to you.”
“You don’t have to say more if you’re not ready.” She popped some crackers in her mouth.
“He gave me a blow job, and I freaked.”
She choked and spat the crackers across the couch. “Holy shit!”
“You okay?” I asked as her coughing fit dragged on.
“No. You went from zero to porn in a second. What the hell?”
I looked away, cheeks burning.
“Can’t you think before you speak? Didn’t you and Mario run black ops together?”
“Good thing Jeremy wasn’t around then to fuck with my mind.”
"Yes, no kidding. Wow. Still reeling here.”
The weight of what I’d done to Jeremy came crashing back. I ran a hand through my hair. “I really screwed up.”
“Um… yes. I want to say you didn’t, but…”
“You can’t make this better.”
She tilted her head. “Maybe not. But tell me everything. From the beginning. And I don’t mean Jeremy on his knees.”
“The first time I saw him…”
“What about it?”
“That’s when it started.”
She nodded slowly. “So this gay thing… it’s not new.”
I glared. “No. I’ve… always liked men.”
“And acted on that… liking?”
“Only in secret.”
“You know you don’t have to hide anymore, right? This is Asheville, not a combat zone.”
“It’s not that simple.”
Her face said bullshit. “You were making eyes at each other, then he dropped off your bag and offered to suck your dick?”
I rubbed my face. Why the fuck did I tell her that? “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“Maybe. One day. But damn, Connor.”
“I thought you noticed.”
“I saw the looks, sure, but I didn’t expect things to ramp up that fast.”
“It wasn’t—”
“Just keep going.”
“Fine. After work today, he asked me to stay for a drink.”
“You skipped the part where you two were practically snuggling at the play.”
I groaned. “We were not.”
“His hand was on your leg, yours was on his. You were whispering.”
“He was telling me what was happening on stage.”
“He was flirting. And so were you.”
Something clicked. “Wait… did you set me up?”
She gave me a wide-eyed innocent look. “Me? Never.”
“Sabrina.”
“I saw the chemistry. I was curious what would happen.”
I sighed. “Would’ve gone better if I hadn’t acted like a goddamn idiot.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“We were talking. I told him about Mario.”
Her face lost all its color.
“I got lost in the memory. He tried to comfort me. Just touched my shoulder, but when I looked at him… I wanted him so badly. I touched him. Almost kissed him. Then I freaked and ran.”
“Why?”
“He makes me feel things I don’t want to feel.”
“Like lust?”
“I’ve accepted that I like men, but with Jeremy… it’s more. It’s not just about sex.”
“Then what?”
“I want… all of it. Conversation. Flirting. Dinner. Plays. A relationship.” I sighed. “But I’ve probably blown that chance.”
“Are you willing to work as hard for it as you did building your company?”
Work I understood. Relationships? That felt like free-falling without a chute.
“I’m not sure I know how.”
“Then tell him that.”
I stared at her. She couldn’t be serious.
“He deserves honesty.”
“I’m not leading him on.”
She gave me a look. I’d been flirting, then bolting. That’s exactly what leading someone on looked like.
“Have you thought about therapy?”
I shook my head. “After that last mission? I’m done with that bullshit.”
“Maybe you didn’t have the right therapist.”
She could be right, but I wasn’t ready to try again. “It’s not going to help me to talk about this.”
“You might be surprised.”
I couldn't deal with that now. Too much noise in my head. “Why is this so fucking hard?”
“Coming out is hard for a lot of people.”
“I know it’s okay up here—” I tapped my temple. “—but saying it? I can’t.”
“Call Jeremy. Be honest. Apologize. Say what you can.”
She was right. But right didn’t mean easy.
“I—”
“No excuses. Call him tonight.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t ready.
“If you wait, it will only get harder.”
“Fine. You need anything else?”
“I’ll eat a little more, then sleep. I’ll call if I can’t work tomorrow.”
“It’s just a move-out clean. Irene and I can handle it.”
She nodded. “Now get out of here. And call him.”
“I will.” Maybe.
13
Jeremy
Itossed back the rest of my drink. Was that my fourth? Fifth? From the way the dance floor wavered in front of me like a heat mirage, probably my fifth. David had agreed to skip eighties night to come with me to the only gay dance club in the area. I’d only been here a handful of times. Usually, the idea of all these strangers blatantly rubbing up against me made my skin crawl.
But tonight, I didn’t want to think about Connor, and this seemed like the best place to do that. I could drink. I could fuck. I could pretend I was some wild, carefree guy instead of… whatever I actually was. I drained my drink and slammed the glass down on the table.