Total pages in book: 72
Estimated words: 70630 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 353(@200wpm)___ 283(@250wpm)___ 235(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 70630 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 353(@200wpm)___ 283(@250wpm)___ 235(@300wpm)
Even if I could plead with him and convince him to stay, it would be wrong. “I shouldn’t expect him to stay for me if that’s not what he really wants.”
David shook his head. “What you shouldn’t do is let him go without telling him how you feel.”
“Did you give him the same speech?”
“A similar one.”
I ran a hand over my hair. “No matter how much you and Sabrina want us to get back together, I don’t think it’s going to happen.”
“He’d stay if he thought there was a chance with you.”
“Don’t try to use guilt on me. Trust me, Sabrina failed, and you will too.”
David stood. “If he doesn’t hear from you, he’ll probably accept the offer on the house tomorrow morning. If I were you, I’d spend the rest of the day considering what I really wanted.”
He left without another word. I stood there for several minutes, considering, agonizing, longing. I poured myself a glass of water and drained it. By the time I set the glass in the sink, I knew exactly what I had to do.
24
Connor
Iended the call with Larissa, Sabrina’s therapist friend, and pulled up my calendar. I had an appointment scheduled with her for the following week. I was finally willing to admit that maybe she could help me. It was time I tried something other than stumbling forward and pretending I was fine. If I ever wanted a real shot at making a relationship work, I needed to find a way to get past the darkness that still clung to me.
I kept trying to tell myself that nothing with Jeremy was guaranteed, therapy or no therapy—but I refused to dwell on that. I had to keep moving forward. Not talking to him for weeks had left me aching—for his touch, for just a glimpse of his smile. I prayed David was right, that Jeremy still wanted me.
Calling Larissa had been hard. Showing up to the appointment would be even harder. But I was going to do it. I wasn’t running anymore. If I could survive the damn desert, I could face Mario too—no matter how furious he might be when he found out I was gay. Yes, I’d wanted to protect him. Yes, I’d looked up to him, learned from him, maybe even built a version of myself based on him, but he was just a man—with flaws like anyone else—and he didn’t have the right to tell me to be someone I wasn’t.
I opened my contacts and tapped Mario’s name. I paced while the phone rang—once, twice, three times. This was usually the best time to catch him, but maybe he wasn’t around tonight.
Just when I was about to hang up, he answered. “What’s up, Connor?”
I almost said, “nothing much,” like this wasn’t a moment that could change everything. “I need to tell you something, if you’ve got time.”
“We’re heading out in the morning. I’ll be out of communication for a few days, so it’s good you caught me. What’s going on?”
I tried not to picture what he was heading into—something dangerous, no doubt. What if this was the last time we ever spoke?
Jeremy is in love with you. David’s words echoed in my mind. I had to do this. It might be my last chance before Jeremy gave up on me for good. And Sabrina was right too—I needed this for me. I needed to face the truth and start healing before I could ever help Mario.
“I’m gay.” I couldn’t believe I’d actually said the words out loud. There was silence on the other end, but I didn’t feel sick or terrified. I felt relieved.
“You’re what?” Mario asked, far louder than he needed to.
“I’m gay. I like men. I’m dating a man—or I was, until I screwed it up. I had sex with men while I was in the Marines, I even— Okay, you don’t need the details.” Now that the dam had broken, the words wouldn’t stop. But whatever Mario said next, I knew I’d done the right thing. The weight I’d been carrying was lighter now.
“You’re not serious?”
“I am. Very.” I sat down on the edge of my bed, suddenly too drained to keep pacing.
“How the hell could you do this?” Mario asked.
I’d expected him to be angry, but he just sounded… hurt. “I didn’t do anything. I was just—” I took a breath. “—born this way.”
“Fuck that. You never acted like a faggot.”
“Did Fargo and Cousta?”
He huffed. “I guess not. Not until they got caught sucking each other’s dicks.”
“Gay men aren’t all alike. Just like straight guys aren’t all the same either.” Christ, now I sounded like a PSA.
“Fuck, Connor. We were friends and you… You lied to me.”
“No. I just chose not to tell you.” I’d never said anything untrue, but maybe that was still a lie in its own way.