Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 98524 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 493(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98524 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 493(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
If Rafael got custody of Aleesa, I was going to lose her.
The one person in my life that I loved unconditionally—that I would do anything for—I was going to lose. Was it not enough losing my wife? It was as if God was punishing me for something I had done. But I was a good person. No, I was not perfect, but I was a decent human with morals and heart.
I sobbed a little louder because this was not fair.
Life was never fucking fair with me.
Thirty-Three
Octavia
Once again, I was fucking crying.
I knew Javier didn’t mean what he said. He was angry, hurt, and shocked. We’re all responsible for our actions and the things we say, but he was blindsided and I don’t blame him for getting so upset, especially about one of the most important people to him.
But that didn’t make his words hurt any less.
I lay on the bed in the guesthouse, curled up, with a blanket covering me. I had my phone with me and saw there was a missed call from Davina. I told myself I’d call her later, when my mood lifted.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I inhaled deeply before exhaling. It was this exact exercise, learned in therapy, that I heavily relied on when things felt intense in my life.
After Luther, this exercise became necessary but wasn’t enough, so I returned to therapy.
All the yelling he did. The mean comments he made about my desires, like deriding how I wanted to get my degree in childhood development, or mocking my first gig as a nanny for a six-month-old. His attempts to startle me, just to get a rise out of me.
My therapist had told me I was smart for leaving him, but she had also told me in order to move past it, I had to take moments to breathe. Now I tried blocking the thoughts about Luther out, so I thought about Javier and Aleesa.
But the idea of them circled around to someone else.
My father. Aaron Klein. I hated that I had lost him so young.
Remembering my daddy brought forth a different kind of pain. I still remembered a lot about him, like the way he’d play hide-and-seek with me and Davina, even when he was tired after working long shifts. The way he praised every piece of artwork I brought home from school.
I remembered his hugs and forehead kisses.
He was the first man in my life that I could trust and feel safe with . . . and then came Javier. Our weekend in New York proved that I could trust him a bit more and that I could be vulnerable with him. That was scary because I kept thinking What if he drops the ball? What if he does something that turns me away or makes me nervous to be around him?
And then he went and said: “You are not her mother. You do not have the right.”
I knew I wasn’t Aleesa’s mom, and I’d never tried to be. It was never my intention to replace her mother, to discredit her, or anything.
What hurt was that Javier took his anger out on me. His words were like weapons that penetrated my heart. I wondered if that was how he felt. Like I was trying to replace Eloise?
A knock sounded on the door, and my breath hitched as I sat up. I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand, waiting to see if the knock would happen again as my heart banged in my chest.
“Octavia,” a deep voice called.
I frowned.
“Go away, Javier,” I said loudly enough for him to hear.
“I will not go away. I want to talk to you.”
“I’m not in the mood to talk.”
There was a stretch of silence so long that I thought he was going to walk away. But then he said, “I am so sorry, mi amor. I did not mean a word I said to you. I swear.”
I felt a flutter in my stomach and also the urge to flick the stupid butterflies away for falling so easily for his apology.
But this was Javier, and Javier was not the type to bullshit anyone. What you saw was what you got with him, no sugarcoating.
“I was just upset,” he went on. “It was wrong to take that out on you. Please, Octavia. Open the door.”
“Why should I?”
“Because I want to look into your eyes and apologize the right way. I do not want to be behind a door and blocked from you. I . . . I just need to see you.”
A sigh escaped me. This time I didn’t have the urge to knock the butterflies away. Instead, I took the stairs down from the loft and walked barefoot through the guesthouse.
I paused and drew in a deep breath before unlocking the door.
Javier lifted his head up as soon as I cracked the door open. Whatever was left of my guard instantly lowered when I caught sight of him.