Total pages in book: 51
Estimated words: 47597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 238(@200wpm)___ 190(@250wpm)___ 159(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 47597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 238(@200wpm)___ 190(@250wpm)___ 159(@300wpm)
"Why? Because you don't want it or because you do?"
"Because I do," I admit in a whisper. I want it so freaking bad it scares me.
"Then it's settled. You move in after graduation."
"What if we don't make it until then?" I ask, peeking at him through my fingers. "I leave in two days. What if…?"
His fingers against my lips silence me. "You still doubt me, baby?"
I'm not sure I ever really doubted him. I just tried to convince myself that this couldn't happen. Now it is happening, and I'm not sure what comes next. How do I leave here in two days, knowing that I'm leaving him behind? How do I spend five months half a country away, knowing that he's waiting back here for me? It sounds like torture. And I've never been a fan of pain.
"Five months sounds like a lifetime."
He smiles gently, cupping my cheek. "You love me."
Tears well in my eyes as I bob my head in a quick nod. "It's terrifying, Jareth. I wasn't supposed to want this. I don't know what I'm doing!"
"You're safe with me, baby," he murmurs, pulling me into his arms. "I've got you. The only thing you have to do is let me love you. Can you do that?"
"I'm trying." I lean my head against his shoulder.
"You hate not being in control."
"Yes."
"Because you hate not getting to decide what happens."
"Yes."
"Maybe not everything in life has to be on your terms," he murmurs, rubbing my back. "Do you trust me to take care of you?"
"It's not that," I whisper.
"Then what is it? What are you still so afraid of?"
Myself, I want to scream…but I don't. I don't say anything.
Jareth sighs softly. "One of these days, you're going to trust me enough to tell me all your secrets, princess."
"Jareth…" My heart clenches, guilt ripping through me.
"I can wait for you to get there," he murmurs, brushing his lips across my crown before he steps back. "I gotta go."
I watch him stride from the room with my heart in my throat and tears in my eyes. Why do I keep fucking everything up? What's wrong with me? Everything between us has been so damn good, and I just…keep holding back, too damn scared that I'm going to mess it up to move forward.
"Hey, Mama," I murmur two hours later, plopping down on a bench beside her.
"Hey, baby girl." She marks her spot in her book before closing it. Her eyes run across me, narrowing behind her glasses. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Zoya."
I huff a breath. How does she always know?
"Jareth asked me to move in with him after I graduate," I blurt.
She nods like she isn't surprised. "What did you say?"
"I freaked out a little bit."
"Because you don't want to move in with him?"
"Because I do," I whisper, staring down at the ground. "But he's already planning the future, and I'm…"
"Worried about the present," Mom guesses.
"Yeah. We leave in two days." Tears burn at the back of my throat. "I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to leave him." Exactly what I feared would happen is happening. Our time is up, and I feel like it might break me in half. How am I supposed to think about the future when the present is killing me?
"Oh, sweetheart." Mom wraps an arm around my shoulders, resting her head against mine. "Falling in love is terrifying, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"It's beautiful, too," she says after a moment.
"So beautiful," I whisper.
"I was terrified to trust my heart when I met your dad. My mom had me so convinced that there was something wrong with me, I didn't know how to let myself be loved. You're a lot like me. You've always been so busy loving everyone else, you never learned how to let the people around you love you back."
"I'm afraid I'm going to mess it all up," I admit. God, it's so easy to say it to her. But I choked this morning, unable to say the same thing to Jareth. It's not him I doubt. It's not him I don't trust. It's me.
"You can't mess up love, sweetheart." She smiles at me gently. "You're a smart girl. You're also one of the most determined people I've ever met. If he's the one for you, you'll figure out how to make it work until you can be together. All you have to do is trust yourself."
"That's the part I'm afraid I'll mess up," I mutter ruefully. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I make terrible decisions."
"Why do you think that?"
I shrug, glancing down at my lap. "Maybe because it's true? You know how many times I've gotten into trouble doing things I shouldn't. I don't want this to be one more thing I mess up because I'm not thinking it through or I leap without thinking. It matters too damn much." I blink rapidly to keep tears at bay. "He matters too much."